If you have been reading my blog, you will see a similar pattern of positivity, which is what I
wanted.
I haven't really wanted to talk about the pain involved with being a birthparent. A birth parent friend of mine is going through some things right now, so I decided to write about some of my emotions/physical pain in this situation. Maybe knowing that it is ok to feel these things, they can start to heal.
When a woman gets pregnant, there is a certain bond that occurs between her and baby. I spent 10 months (40 weeks = 10 months, people, not 9) bonding with this baby. I got to know what he liked to eat, what his sleeping patterns were. I knew this little person as well as one could.
For my first pregnancy, I was in denial a lot of the time, but when I admitted to myself that fact, I opened my heart. While I was in the hospital with the first, I had a social worker from hell. She told me that I was going to have to walk out of those hospital doors with the baby then hand him off to the adoptive parents. Let me tell you, if I had to walk out that door with the baby in MY arms, there was no way I would ever give him up. I was emotionally all over the map that day. That was also the day my doctor would have to clear me for travel. She didn't clear me for obvious reasons. I got another social worker as soon as I could. This one was much better. She was very supportive of my decision to make an adoption plan. Eventually it all worked out. The hospital thing, I mean.
I mentioned that the doctor had to clear me for travel. I had to travel to my parent's house in Montana. I was physically in pain. I had just had MAJOR abdominal surgery. I couldn't really walk and sitting in the car for long periods was a joke! I spent most of the trip crying and wondering (sometimes out loud) if I had done the right thing. Somewhere around Utah, my milk came in. Yeah, it hurts. The emotional stuff that goes along with it, hurts more. I had no baby to take my milk. I was grieving. Full on grieving!!!
In situations like ours, the birth mom is released from the hospital first, then the adoptive couple with the baby. With my second, this was not the case. My doc couldn't get there to release me. I spent the night ALONE. I couldn't even go see the baby, as he wasn't there. I felt abandoned, betrayed and many other things.
In both my situations, there was a lot of pain involved, both physically and emotionally. I have since worked through these things and turned them into positive things. I am hoping that with me posting this, it can help.
Remember, you are not alone. Others have been through this and made it back! I am here if you need anything.
Ms. Birhtmom
